He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
