so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
