don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
