My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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