Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
