grandma shit on top of the toilet
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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