alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
