He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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