That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I can't put those talents on a resume
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
