I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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