Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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