god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You're a waste of cheezeits
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
