The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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