Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
