How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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