I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you would pick up someone in the library
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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