you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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