You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
