I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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