I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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