woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
