Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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