I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I forget how to act sober
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
