The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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