I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
