What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
