My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
