It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
