please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
is it fun? or sober?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
