i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
