There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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