I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
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