You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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