I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
