can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
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