I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
