Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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