I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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