I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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