My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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