I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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