im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
