He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
