it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
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Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
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No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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