She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
