Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
