Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
