Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
