I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
