Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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