I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
