Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
