she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
drinking out of a sandbucket again
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
