my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
