you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
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