I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He shit in the fireplace
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
