i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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