Sponge bath it is.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
